In this article, we’ll talk about the connection between mindfulness and coping with betrayal trauma and an offer of help. Mindfulness is the ability to remain in the present moment. It is sitting with how you feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Rather than labelling or judging your thoughts as they come, mindfulness is about being in a state of curiosity. There is a connection between mindfulness and self-compassion. When your loved one struggles with and issues of their own, it may be difficult for them to show or feel empathy for you. As a result, it may cause you to question your relationship with them, which can magnify your trauma.
You may fear that focusing on your difficult emotions will give your negative emotions a kind of power and strength over you. However, it generally has the opposite effect. By acknowledging your negative emotions and feelings, you also permit them to rest. If you are in betrayal trauma, trusting anyone–including yourself–may be difficult. This lack of trust can disconnect you to only from others, but also from your authentic self. As a result of this disconnect, it can increase the body’s trauma response. Mindfulness is the practice of remaining in harmony with yourself. Likewise, it can cultivate a genuine connection within and can generate self-compassion.
We all have been betrayed at one time or another. Albeit it a friend, loved one or at the workplace.
I have been betrayed and the very same day a very good friend of mine died very unexpectedly. She was much younger than me and was expected to survive cancer she was battling. One minute she was here, the next gone. So, as I write dear reader, my emotions are raw with grief. Life is full of twists and turns and is downright not fair at times! When you put your trust in someone, then that trust is betrayed. How can you cope with it? How do you react? Is vengeance an option- or something else?
This is certainly not the first time I have been betrayed; it will not be the last. I could fill a substantial book to tell you the stories of all the betrayals I have suffered over these past 60 plus years. But one thing I have learnt is that the hurt is ways the same. The disbelief is still there. Self-doubt and guilt are present. A few tips about How to handle such a traumatic experience is this is blog post subject for today. If you have been betrayed, feel alone, and not sure how to handle it, please keep reading.
Betrayal Trauma- signs and symptoms
First, let’s look at what betrayal trauma actually is. In the same way, your physical body sustains trauma after an accident resulting in a broken leg etc, your personality, your psyche, your spirit sustains trauma that will be seen physical through the emotions and body. Betrayal trauma is defined as a trauma perpetrated by someone or an organisation, with whom the victim is close to and reliant upon for friendship, work, support, or survival. The concept originally introduced by American Scholar Jennifer Freyd in 1994, who developed betrayal trauma theory (BTT). This theory addresses situations when people or institutions on which a person relies for protection, resources, and survival violate the trust or well-being of that person. But how do we handle it when it happens?
Well, what we do not do, is that we don’t throw the person who betrayed us under the bus- that is tit for tat- rather the focus and aim is – if at all possible, to repair the relationship, to communicate with all parties concerned. However, this is not always possible when people refuse to talk about it. Often, people sweep stuff under the carpet choosing not to deal with it. If the broken fences are unrepairable, the relationship should not be preserved at the expense of the victim.
It is common for the loved one who has been betrayed to dissociate traumatic experiences from their conscious awareness to preserve the relationship. They just continue on as if nothing has happened. They bury it deep inside their heart and will not address it in any way. The shock of the betrayal and the helplessness it brings causes the person to react this way quite automatically. The person who has hurt them may have no idea how their words or actions have caused trauma to the other.
So if both parties are willing, communication is key, often a mediator – like a counsellor, can be helpful.
There are cases of course, where the person who has betrayed you knows very well the gravity of what they have done. They understand how the betrayal will affect the other. They know how it will play out, and usually, it is to their advantage.
The thing you need to ask yourself, –Do I want to continue this relationship/job/etc with such a person/organisation? If you do, without intentional reconciliation, you run a very high risk of being hurt again.
Reconcile if you wish to when the betrayal has been unintentional, just careless, selfish, and reckless. Such a relationship can be repaired through mutual consent with honest, heartfelt sharing. However, not so much for the person who has deliberately, knowingly betrayed you, because they will refuse to be honest with you and their tactic will be accusatory.
Decide if you want reconciliation or not. Don’t be naïve. If you do want the relationship to continue, you must count the cost of that relationship to you.
What not to do.
Do not take vengeance. When my husband walked out the door taking everything, myself and our four small children were left homeless. It was a tsunami of betrayal indeed. The details of that story you will find in both of my books which are listed in the menu bar and on my home page.
Why didn’t I take vengeance? Well, it was solely because of this—-
Vengeance is God’s job, not mine or yours. My job was to forgive- yes- I did say FORGIVE. You forgive yourself- you forgive the other. To forgive someone does not mean you become their doormat- on the contrary – you become in control of the situation and of yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you must reconcile, because as I have already mentioned that sometimes reconciliation is not an option, but forgiveness still has its effect.
Sometimes it is prudent to let the relationship go, and not fight for the relationship if the other person or workplace refuses to discuss the problems at hand. There are heaps of very good reasons why you must forgive and how leaving it all to God really does work. I could share with you those details but that is grist for another book or another blog post.
Do not let hate and bitterness take hold.
Bitterness is insidious like Knotweed, it spreads underground and you don’t know it’s there. But when it does eventually come to light, it is almost impossible to get rid of – so don’t go there in the first place. Do not take it upon yourself to take vengeance, the situation may be made worse than you can imagine. If you need to talk it over with me – please do.
No bashing your head against a brick wall!
Selfhelpdaily.com very wisely points out that there’s a reason why it’s impossible to change another person. This also may be true of a situation that arises in the workplace. Each of us must recognize that the pain or discomfort we’re feeling is greater than our resistance to change. And that’s when we’re ready, willing, and able to make changes in our own lives. We have no control of what others may think of us for good or ill. We have only control over our own lives. This is difficult to get a grip with particularly when your children grow up. Anything they may say, do or experience is down to them. As parents, we are powerless to rescue them, and if we try, it may blow up in our face.
When a husband/wife tells you he/she is leaving because you are a ‘bad father/mother and husband/wife. Yet he leaves the children with you alone and disappeared, deserting the whole family. It makes me wonder how ‘bad’ that father/mother actually is because they did not try to take the children from him/her. We live in a selfish world, and many of our loved ones are selfishly doing us harm. We can be selfish in return, if we are, we then harm our very selves. Therefore, it is so important to handle rightly any form of betrayal and the trauma it leaves us with. The trauma is very real, so let’s not diminish it in any way. However, our reactions must be diminished. Our actions and reactions must be well thought through.
This is a huge subject, and I cannot detail all the tips on how to decide what’s best here. If you wish, we can chat about that in a counselling session. Please contact me and we can go from there.
I have a Master of Arts in counselling plus Life coaching, and have worked with many who have experienced trauma. If you feel you need help, please contact me and we can chat what is the best way forward for you. My fees are reasonable as I wish to reach out to all on any level of income stream.
May God bless you and keep you, and may you find healing and freedom from trauma.
Regardless of where you are on your journey, I hope you will find something useful here- if so, please let me know down in the comments.
I am in the process of writing my new book about Holistic Living, which features Mindfulness and issues around mental health. It will be published and made available to you later in the year – so keep a lookout for that!
If you struggle to make self-care a priority or do not know how to start your mindfulness journey, check out my new course, which will be available in the Summer of 2021- subscribe free to this blog to get updates on this!
Thank you for visiting me here, I hope this post was helpful? Then please like, subscribe or leave a comment with any questions you may have!
If feel you would like further support, please contact me. Details of How to get in touch with me is found in the top menu on my home page.
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Paula Rose Parish
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The medical profession is God’s gift to us.
One upon a time, I was married to someone who forbade me to visit the doctor except for childbirth issues. On the most part, I obeyed (as I was told God wanted me to obey my husband), but when my child became very ill, I took him to the doctors behind my husband’s back. Although my husband (now former) abused me when I returned home, my child was prescribed the antibiotics he desperately needed to help him recover.
When we are unwell or in need of any kind, we must pursue medical advice, but also, as a believer, we should go to God with our troubles. We do not have to exclude one approach over another but blend them beautifully, and in doing so, we find the benefit we need. God invented healing, either through human or divine intervention. When I take my concerns to God in prayer, I worship and soak in his presence. Which is merely resting in his presence and waiting for a response. Sometimes I will receive an answer immediately, sometimes it can be days later, but rest assured, if we pray rightly, God will answer.
We live in an instant society; we demand things when we want them. We are all seeking miraculous or healing which, of course, God can do. Still, in my experience, most healings take time and need to be outworked through a series of events, and the manifestation of miracles are up to God’s discretion- not ours. The key here is to know the voice of our Lord and Saviour and obey that voice. In the first instance, we hear his voice in his Word- the Bible. We are to seek whatever means he is using to answer our prayers. Sometimes though, as believers, we develop stubborn, fleshly mind-sets and demand that God act on our terms. God’s ways are not our ways! This stubbornness is a hindrance for many preventing us from receiving the blessings God is pouring down on us and we fail to recognise the promptings of God. We all love and desire God’s supernatural miracles, but sometimes God wants to use his natural creation such as herbs and plants to achieve his miracle. We need to be humble in prayer and ask for wisdom.
Don’t let stubborn mind-sets hinder you from that ‘miracle’ you are waiting and praying for, whether it be through medical intervention or not. The absolute key to your ‘miracles and healings’ is listening and learning how God speaks to you and following his lead. God once told me that healing begins within – then the external manifestations will follow. What is going on in our heart/soul reflects upon what we see in our psychological and physical body. Chances are our physical infirmity may get healed when the wounds within our soul are delivered, cleansed, and healed. The key is to trust God in all things. I believe that God grants knowledge for medical experts to be healers. Nonetheless, I also pray with laying on of hands for healing. I love encouraging your faith and leading you to Christ, who loves you beyond your expectations. To receive the healing, we need to pray; therefore, we need to understand what Jesus has taught us about prayer. Prayer gives you the ability to regain the blessing of your life.
The difference between success and failure, in my opinion, is based upon my relationship with God and if I am reaching out in faith to receive. For many people, prayer is an irksome religious duty, but I love to pray. Prayer is all about connecting to grow our relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ, and without it, we cannot have any relationship with him.
Some Blockages to healing.
Firstly, we need to deal with our negative and unattractive untrue image and beliefs of A negative image of God in our minds will hinder us and somehow stands between us and our relationship with God.
- The schoolmaster image……… SCOLDS US
- The protocol son ……………. WELCOMES US – read Luke 15: 20 now I want you to notice how his father received him- that is how God receives you.
To be able to pray effectively, YOU MUST get rid of any negative picture of God. the reality is that God is loving and loves to save us and heal us and set us free. God is generous and doesn’t find fault. God does convict us of sin, but that’s a different thing to finding fault. Keep a Loving, warm God keep In mind when you pray. Remember, if you are unwell, pursue both medical advice, and prayer. Do not exclude one approach over another.
Jesus came to represent the Father in humanity. Jesus says Matt 7:7-8 ..
Ask then receive!
Seek then find!
Knock, then the door will be open… Father loves you so much.
Until next time- Jesus loves you, so Live Life on Purpose in Hope. Faith. Love,
Rev Paula 💕
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One of the blights of humanity is frustration. Human beings are forever striving for pleasure and wonderful feelings of rapture and bliss which in analysing it, is only temporal in nature. Try as we might the problem is that in doing this, we are trying to convert the temporal experience it into something permeate, which cannot be done.
In hankering that which is lost, frustration ensues, grief may result. When it goes wrong, we try to fix it to make it permanent, but we can do it. No matter how hard we try, we cannot make that which is temporary permanent. And we know that we will be disappointed because the pleasure will fade away and we want those pleasurable feeling back again. Jesus said do not chase after those things which are here today and gone in a few minutes, but rather strive for those things that are permanent by its nature and therefore more satisfying. Trying to hold on to a relationship which is gone will leave you frustrated and grieved for as long as you hold onto it. All human relationships albeit long term, are temporal subject to this life. The only relationship it is nature is permanent is with God through Christ which is subject to life eternal.
Acts: 1: 1- 8 & 2:1-4
This subject often worries people. I’ve actually had people say to me that they are scared of any moving of the Holy Spirit. Why? Because they do not understand it. But that it is the great deception of the devil. It is satan who will make us scared and sceptical of the moving of the Holy Spirit.
The Cross defeated the devil so he’s out to defeat you through his lies. The devil would render us powerless as a Church because it is the Holy Spirit that gives us the power of God to be witnesses in the earth. No Power, No witness, No Church!
Therefore, if there is no power of the Holy Spirit in the believer, there is no power of the Holy Spirit in the Church, because the Church is the people, then there is no true witness of God. Then what is left, is a form of religion without power to save and set free!
Fear is our enemy.
There is no need for us to be frightened of the things of the Holy Spirit because Jesus told us that he would send another comforter in his absence. The Holy Spirit therefore is a comforter, in fact, there are over 21 wonderful attributes, attributed to the Holy Spirit throughout Scripture for our benefit and none of them is scary. And one of those attributes is a leader and another is our guide, READ John 16:7.
The comforter READ John 14: 16-17, the one that comes along beside us. So what is there to be frightened of? It is only when we are held in ignorance of what the Holy Scriptures tell us and our imaginations run wild. All we hear stories of great excesses don’t we, and we get concerned and scared we then reject the moving of the Holy Spirit in our Church and in our life. The devil then has succeeded in his mission! And we become poorer for it. So let us now approach this with an open heart and an open mind towards the Spirit of God and what he would have us to know this morning.
First of all, let’s pray…..
Holy Spirit is part of the Godhead- nothing spooky!
First of all, we need to understand that the baptism of the Holy Spirit is a greater revelation of God that was manifested in patriarchal and mosaic dispensations. In the patriarchal dispensation, we see God appearing to people at long intervals of 20 and 40 years apart. In the Mosaic dispensation, there are deeper and clearer manifestations of God. The pillar of cloud and pillar of fire. In the Tabernacle is the Shekinah glory of God that overshadowed the mercy seat which is the abiding revelation of God.
In these dispensations God appeared outside of the human being, God was doing something TO the human race, and not IN the human race. But under the Christian dispensation, the New Covenant, things are different. A New Covenant has been born which is a much deeper and personal revelation of God. God was not only doing something TO the human race, but God was living IN humankind. READ John 11:25 (KJV). READ Ephesians 2 .22 this reveals God purpose in our salvation. We must be prepared by the blood of Jesus Christ to become the habitation of God, and what an amazing privilege and opportunity this is! READ John 16: 7-15.
Unction’s of the Holy Spirit
- Born again – / Adam God breath made him alive / God breathed new birth – the new creation. (Gen 1 & 2. John 3.)
- Baptism in Holy Spirit makes us God-empowered people. (Acts 1 & 2)
- Baptism Sanctifies our language so may pray according to His will. (Jude)
- Dove. (the Ark, Gen 8.11. & Baptism of Jesus Matt 3.16)
- Wind and fire- is what the church is, sweeping through the nations empowered by God to bring the full Gospels’ light to a dark world. It’s for the Church to be the Church!
We as New Covenant people are to live in the Wind and Fire of the Spirit, speaking the truth in love. We are wise as serpents but gentle as Doves (Matt 10.16). But for some of us, we don’t get past the Dove stage. We always speak of love and peace- and so we must! But we tend to remain, creating traditions around the nature of a Dove, we become Dove people and never influence the world with Wind and Fire. And so, The Church becomes powerless in its mission.
The more we use our language in tongues, the more we pray Gods’ will to earth getting the job done. Jesus told us because he rose and ascended to heaven and so we will also, being partakers of his righteousness and his glory and of his saving power. The crucifixion was necessary and now we are children of God, we are crucified with Christ and freed from sin. Our old nature is nailed to the cross and we are dead to sin and alive to Christ and just as Christ died, he arose, he is a living Christ, not a dead God. We are baptised (fully immersed) with power (dunamis =explosive) power from on high with the Holy Spirit, the Church goes forth!
God the Holy Spirit Lives IN YOU by your resurrection into the new birth according to John chapter 3. We have left this old sinful life buried to the old nature in baptism and are partakers in the new resurrection life. The life of power (dunamis =explosive) where the exercise of the power of God is made possible TO us and IN us through the Holy Spirit. We are Wind and Fire people!
Is the baptism of the Holy Spirit for today?
Yes! There are 20 scriptures referring to this in the New Testament
The baptism is evidenced by tongues. 1 Corinthians 14: 22. Mark 16:17-18 READ
To speak with other tongues is to speak languages never learned. They are either a known human language or a heavenly one, enabled by the miraculous power of the Holy Spirit. ‘Initial physical evidence’ is the term used to describe the first outward sign of the infilling of the Holy Spirit. The baptism in the Holy Spirit is manifested in a physical way as the Spirit-filled believer’s physical voice is used. It is initial in that it comes immediately with the infilling. It is important to point out here, that there is no single declarative sentence in the Bible that states that everyone who is baptized in the Holy Spirit will speak in other tongues. Even if we had only Acts 1 and 2, we understand the doctrine, for there we have the definition of the baptism in the Spirit.
Jesus said, “Ye shall be baptized with the Holy Spirit not many days hence” (Acts 1.5) The scriptural definition of that baptism is, “And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost and began to speak with other tongues as the Spirit gave them utterance” (Acts 2.4). Inspired by the Holy Spirit, Luke clearly intended to define what Jesus promised. 1Corinthians 14: don’t forbid tongues when meeting together for worship.