ARE YOU A VICTIM OF LIES AND FALSE ACCUSATIONS? If so, read this blog.

How you can find a solution when accused of something you didn’t do, here I share how to find a positive way forward.

Being misunderstood leaves an absolute sick feeling in the pits of your guts, but being accused of something you haven’t done is even worse. When your accuser is absolutely convinced of something you have said, did, or failed to do. and tells everyone about it leaves you totally helpless.

You try to fix it, but no matter what good evidence you put forth in your defence, your accuser remain firms in their charges against you. Then, your life is devastated when the same accusations filter through to your social circle, family, and perhaps even within your professional life.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

This awful situation leaves you perplexed and very upset. You’ve been accused of something you have never even thought of, let alone done. It is causing you stress, anxiety, and many sleepless nights. You feel a sense of deep powerlessness, rejection, and hopelessness in not being able to remedy this situation. You weep and position yourself on the couch with the big tub of ice cream or wine or something that is mildly destructive to your body and mental health.

Sometimes we think nothing can be done, so we let things float, and the misunderstanding or accusation grows exponentially.

The hardest part is to recognise and understand is what can be done.

A POSITIVE WAY OUT

I am speaking as a Christian believer, and this is where I find my solutions. So now, dear reader, if you’re not a person of faith, don’t stop reading because some of this just may resonate with you and work towards a solution for you.

So, let me share a little story with you about one of my experiences of being accused of something I haven’t done.

MY STORY

I was married to the father of my four children for over 15 years. Then out of the blue, with no prior warning, he packed up our only car and literally disappeared into the night. We were abandoned. Try as I might, I could not trace him. Finally, words returned to me not to look for him because he didn’t want to be found. 

 

I won’t mention the devastation that caused my children and me mentally and emotionally. Instead, I just want to share on a practical basis how you can find a solution to being misunderstood or accused of something because, in this story, I show you how I found a positive way forward.

I have two boys and two girls, and one of the girls, AJ, told me that she had a dream just after her father left. The dream was about the story of Joseph in the Bible, which you can find here. 

AJ said that the dream involved not Joseph being placed in the pit by his own brothers, but me and the four children by my husband, their father, who then peered down into the pit, laughed, and duly walked away. So now she felt that God gave her the dream because we were discarded like Joseph was, and our end would also be similar to Josephs’. 

I took her dream seriously because it encouraged my other children and me enormously, I then proceeded to study the life of Joseph in detail. I consulted many books from various theologians who had various points of view. I consulted the original language in which it was written to see what that might say to me. Finally, I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me into truth in this matter.

Over months, I concluded that AJ was shown this dream for us to learn how to deal with our misfortune. Joseph was wantonly discarded by those he loved. He later was accused of assault by the Egyptian king’s wife, and of course, he didn’t do this. It was a setup. He rejected her advances, so she got upset and spread terrible rumours that he tried to rape her. And, of course, that landed him in jail for the second time.

ONE LIE DESTROYED US

I could relate to this because after my husband left us, word started trickling down through friends and ministry connections that he left us because he could not bear the fact that I had taken a lover, which was supposed to be the local male hairdresser. Now, this could be no further from the truth, I would very rarely go to a hairdresser because I am a hairdresser myself, and I always did, and I do to this day, tend to my own hair and that of my family’s, so I have no need for a hairdresser! 

Sadly, my children also heard this rumour through the grapevine; thankfully, they knew it wasn’t true.

 My eldest daughter Micahrose said to me, ‘mommy, we know this isn’t true because you are always working from your office here at home, and when you go shopping or visiting anybody in your ministry or do anything, you take us with you. Nobody ever babysits us because we are always with you, and we can’t see how it would be possible that you would have the time or the opportunity to take a lover’. This was coming from a 15 my old daughter whose maturity and opinion I valued time very much.

Although my children knew the truth of the matter, some of my work colleagues – without checking – believed the lie. Within a few short months, the lie found its way to the shores of Australia, where my parents live. One day, my mother phoned me, and the first thing she said to me was, ” What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

My husband was still disappeared, and I didn’t know where he was. Finally, however, I found out through his family that my husband flew to Australia and visited my parents, telling them a sad and sorry tale about the demise of our marriage due to my alleged infidelity. My husband was a textbook narcissist; he could sell ice to an Eskimo, so they believed him. Sadly, my parents did not question me if this was true or not, nor did they tell me of the full content of the conversation. Still, obviously, judging by what my mother said to me over the phone and subsequent conversations, she accepted what he had said as truth and was going to sort me out!

It wasn’t until 10 years later when I visited my parents in Australia, I actually had the opportunity to sit down with them and share the whole experience in detail. Then, at last, they accepted my version of events. 

When my husband took it upon himself to visit my parents, he told them he was now alone and desperately hurting. But what my parents did not know, is that his lover flew over with him from the USA, and was waiting for him in their accommodation. I know this because he told some of his family, who duly contacted me. 

Now I won’t go into any more detail because this blog will be far too long otherwise. But, perhaps I can make a YouTube video on it to share a bit more detail. So, if you’re interested in that, please let me know in the comments.

 But the point is that how I learnt to deal with false accusations was the same way as Joseph dealt with them. Below are a few pointers to what I have found that may help you to deal with a similar experience………

1) Ask God to vindicate you. Joseph was eventually vindicated; it took years, but it happened. Finally, the truth came out, and he was loved and respected once again.

2) do not try to vindicate yourself. This is because you fall into the trap of very quickly take some kind of vengeance without thinking it through. Instead, trust that God who loves you, has got your back and will sort it out in due time as was done for Joseph.

3) do not spread gossip about your accuser. Because if you do, you might embellish the story to get back at them. The problem with this is that approach will eventually affect and reflect poorly upon you and your character.

4) do not even entertain one thought of vengeance. God says vengeance is mine I will repay. You will find that here.

5) Joseph’s brothers became his enemies, yet he still loved them and chose to care for them when they were in need during the famine. So likewise, Jesus said to us to love our enemies and pray for them. So, I blessed my husband and prayed for him regularly, although he had disappeared. I prayed for his well-being and success, and happiness. 

6) Do what you would have others do to you; you will find that here. Treat your accuser with respect because they are fellow human beings. Eventually, that respect will come back to you in buckets.

7) Thank God every day for the answer to your situation in advance. Joseph never lost hope amid his difficulties. On the contrary, he expected a better tomorrow and for the solutions to come.

Well, that’s a few things I learned how to deal with this horrible situation. But, because of my daughter’s dream, I learnt that things would work out for good and for the children’s good in the end.

THEN THIS HAPPENED!

About three years later, my vindication came. By that time, I was residing in the United Kingdom (a long story) when I received a very unexpected telephone call.  

A group of colleagues from the USA searched for me and eventually found me because they wanted to issue an apology collectively.  

During this phone call, they told me that they found out that it was, in fact, my husband that took a lover and left his family as a consequence and not me.  

They recognised that the children and I were left destitute, without any support and eventually experienced homeless for over six months – which had dire consequences for us in the short-term and long term. I accepted the apology, and I thanked God for the vindication. Those same people recommended me for full-time ministry to the denomination that I now work for.

 BAD NEWS AND GOOD NEWS 

The bad news is that the lie about me reached my close circle of friends in Australia to whom I would visit, and they would visit me on my trips to Australia. I know this because one of my friends told me that she believed my husband’s story over mine. This surprised me because they had never seen or spoken to my husband since he left us and had no idea where or how he was living. But they did speak to his brother, who spun a convincing story to protect his brother. It is sufficient to say that I decided to break contact with those friends. However, although they hurt me very much, I still pray for them, and I hold no hatred or bitterness against them. In fact, I actually feel sorry for them because they believed and propagated disgusting gossip, so they have revealed something of their true character.

The good news is that all of my children are successful adults with their own families and careers. And I did not have to unload any baggage of hatred or bitterness because I never adopted that attitude in this situation.

 It’s good news that I trusted God from the word go to vindicate me and restore us because I was determined to deal with it the Joseph way. So, when I got down and upset, I would re- read the story of Joseph, and I thank God to this very day that AJ shared that dream with me.

HAS MY SHARING CANDILY BEEN HELPFUL TO YOU?

I hope this post has been helpful to you. If you follow me you will know, that health and well-being of mind, body, and spirit is the focus of my ministry and my websites and social media platforms. This is because our thinking, attitudes, and manner in which we deal with our lives directly impact our health and well-being. 

Let’s be like Joseph, who came out of the situation successfully, healthy, and well because he dealt with it in a Godly way. 

So, to encourage you, even if you don’t believe in God, give it a try, and you may be surprised how you can come out of this situation in such a positive way and move forward in hope for faith and love.💕

How to Handle Being Misunderstood and the hurt incurred.

When you put yourself out there on the world wide web, there is an inescapable chance that misunderstanding and judgment will occur. Within relationships misunderstanding happens very easily, pulling families apart. The work place is a hot bed for misunderstandings to occur, its the job of management to resolve staff conflict.

Holistic living

In his blog, Ryan Frederick points out that when misunderstood, you must Find your identity & security only in Christ. The following is a quote from his blog to help you get started with this idea…….

……………” Christ understands you. He sees you from afar (Psalm 138:6), he designed and crafted you from within (Psalm 139:13-14), and he knows what it’s like to be human and to be tested (Hebrews 4:15). I hope this doesn’t roll off your back as a cliche. You are KNOWN. This is the first point because the rest will flow from this. If you know who you are in Christ, you can proceed with that knowledge and his perspective in mind. For example, maybe “being right” isn’t important at this moment. Maybe you just need to extend grace because your spouse hurting or not in a place to be corrected.” From <https://fiercemarriage.com/4-things-consider-next-time-feel-misunderstood

Although Ryan refers his idea to marriage, it is also relevant across the broad spectrum of relationships, and we can learn from this. As you know, I hold to the fact that holistic living is the way to bring wholeness to your everyday life. To make Christ the centre of your life feeds and frees your spirit. Your mind is calmed and brought hope and peace, then your body responds positivity. 

There have been times that I have shrunk away from God, sort of blaming him when in times of turmoil. Until a wake-up call thought entered my head! And it went something like this….

 ……….you are rejecting me when things go wrong. This shows you are laying the blame squarely on me- isn’t that what others have done to you? So, why play the blame game- it gets you nowhere and will estrange you from me….

 Well, I have to say that it certainly was woke me up! I realised I was feeling sorry for myself and had to snap out of it. 

So, What did I do next?

Forgiving (the holistic spirit)

 I knelt in prayer asking God in Christ to forgive me for withdrawing from his presence. I asked for forgiveness for any part that I played in the problem. I asked for wisdom (which I need tons of!) to work through the situation with grace and love and kindness. I asked the person for forgiveness and offered to talk it through, they refused to accept it and wanted to keep the drama playing. I was powerless to change that, so I prayed again- this time it was a blessing on those who misunderstood me, thus rejecting me. I asked God for the strength to let go and let God have his way.

I know I have written extensively about forgiveness in the past, but I think we all need a reminder to ensure that we do apply forgiveness. It’s far too easy to be so emotionally involved in our hurt feelings, that our hard heart will not reach out to forgive. Forgiveness applies to everybody. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.

Pay it no mind (the holistic mind)

In 1 Corinthians 13, the “love chapter,” we have a list of love’s attributes. Included in the description of love, however there are some things that love is not. Verse 5 says that ‘love keeps no record of wrongs.’ Or, as the Amplified Bible translates it, “It takes no account of the evil done to it, in other words – it pays no attention to a suffered wrong.”

The bottom line is that If you say you forgive, but keep the offence at the forefront, throwing back details into the person’s face, keeping the drama going– let’s get real here- You have not forgiven! True forgiveness pays no mind, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Stop digging holes (the holistic body)

This is what I am guilty of and the situation is always made worse. I try to rescue the situation, and the more I try the deeper the darn hole gets! Soon I have dug so deep that I can’t see over the rim. I have buried myself in all the turmoil and hurt! look familiar?

 Well, I think if you are a rescuer or fixer, you can relate.

We must learn when it’s time to quit – then quit. This is the best thing to do or even the right thing. Surrender the situation to God. To leave the person who says you have offended them its best to leave them to their own emotions and choices. If  the other person is not happy with your explanation, it’s their problem not yours. You cannot satisfy someone who is adamant about having an argument. Do yourself a big favour and don’t engage in further discussion – stop digging!

It is time to stop digging and to cement that hole over and don’t go there again. It’s time, to take a breath of fresh air and start again. Accept when the situation cannot be rescued by you. If you wish to, leave the door open for the person who has misunderstood you. If they truly love you, they will want reconciliation as much as you.

Concentrate on those who truly care for you!

People get sacked from work due to misunderstandings and end up suing their employer for unfair dismissal. When misunderstandings cause family estrangement it is heart rendering indeed. Families who fall out forever is more common than you think. For many people, family is the centrepiece of their life. It’s where we gain a huge aspect of our identity, find comfort and support, unconditional acceptance, and a sense of belonging. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have raised the issue of estrangement to a world wide level. On the internet their is a plethora of websites dedicated to helping parents of estranged from their children. One web site community group that I visited had over 40,000 membership! This shows how common this problem really is. For those who are estranged from their families, the family unit may become threatening as and not feel safe or nurturing. I have readers and followers from all over the world so I will outline some recent research from a few different countries.

Social worker and academic, Dr Kylie Agllias, has been researching family estrangements and how they impact us. Her research has revealed that about one in 25 Australian adults has been estranged from their family at some point in their lives. She says that family estrangements occur when there is a breakdown of trust, emotional intimacy and there are strong contrasting values. 

In the UK statics show that family estrangement has been defined as distancing and loss of affection that occurs over years or even decades within a family. It isn’t clear if such estrangement is on the rise since it is a relatively young field of research, but it is common. However, Research by Stand Alone, a UK charity that supports people who are estranged from relatives, suggests that estrangement affects at least one in five British families. Stand Alone founder Becca Bland, who has personal experience of estrangement as she has no contact with her parents, has also noticed that the topic is much more discussed than in the past. This is borne out by Google Trends data showing steady growth in people searching for estrangement-related terms, primarily in Canada, Australia and Singapore.

One United States of America study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that 10% of mothers were currently estranged from at least one adult child. And one US study found that more than 40% of participants had experienced family estrangement at some point – suggesting that in certain groups, such as US college students, estrangement may be almost as common as divorce. Sound like an epidemic doesn’t it? 

I am sure the statics are similar across the world. It is a sad situation but one that is very real, and common. If you have been misunderstood and estranged from your family, be assured that you are not alone and there is a lot of help out there if you research and look for it. 

Those who truly love and care for you may not be your family. Friends are great because there is no history of offence with them. Unless you have grown up with them, you have a clean slate upon which to build a relationship. Appreciate them and keep in contact with those people. I have lots of lovely friends. I have found a unique relationship with each of my friends. With each one, we talk about different things and enjoy together various activities which are quite different from another. The friendship develops around the common ground which must be nurtured to grow.

Care for your Body

Being misunderstood causes your inner gut to twist and turn to make you feel sick. This is your body reacting to your emotional mind. You must care for your body. Don’t pummel it with alcohol or overload it with sugar, or late nights out. Nurture and care for your body with good food and passive exercise. Your body is the house your live in. In a time of turmoil, we forget about our bodily needs. 

When upset, I tend to stop eating and work from Dawn to Dusk. However, I am learning to do things differently. I look at my body like I look upon my two dogs. They are helpless without me. Whether I feel like it or not I must feed them, walk them, and stroke and groom them. I must provide a safe and enjoyable environment for them. Do the same for your body. 

Whether you feel like it or not, provide a safe and enjoyable environment for yourself. Feed your body well with natural foods, exercise it, groom it, care for it whether you feel like it or not – this is the only one you have! Your emotions can make you sick if you do not righty care for your body. I use many tools to help me with this and in posts to come, I will share them with you. 

 But in the meantime, you will find about how to care for your body mindfully, which is laid out in my new course and will be made available to you in summer 2021. If you want some ideas and tools to how to self-care, making it a priority or do not know how to start your holistic journey, check out the course, – subscribe free to this blog to get updates on this!

Thank you for visiting me here, I hope this post was helpful, I would love to hear from you. Feel free to contact me and share any thoughts you have. And if you enjoy reading this blog, please support it by subscribing or sharing, bookmarking and visiting the site.

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Virtual hugs, I look forward to your visit to my next blog post!

Paula Rose Parish